Tuesday, July 4, 2017

DIY... more like Don't-IY

I am not a crafty person.
Yes, I have hundreds of dollars of scrapbooking paper, stickers, cutouts, punchers, glue, tape, scissors, and containers of misc crap. I can't actually stop myself from buying the junk, but I never do anything with it.

Well, that changed yesterday. I made a thing. A single thing. In the 17+ years I've been collecting the majority of Hobby Lobby's inventory, I have finally created a thing.

It's a candle holder for tealights. One $1 glass vase from Dollar Tree, some Daiso plumeria flowers from Japan, twine from anywhere, sea glass from Target, and white sand filler/seashells, also from Dollar Tree. I really had zero plans when starting this except I wanted a cool desk decoration for my new "beachy" area.

 I spend a bunch of time at my computer doing very important adult things... like Neopets, and a Harry Potter role-playing website. So without further weirdness, here's the portions of my desk that I have put together/DIY'd (sort of) for your viewing pleasure. #aesthetics

To start, I wanted a mermaid-esque feel for my desk. I have an unhealthy obsession with mermaids and should surgery for gills ever become an option: you'll never see me again.

I grabbed a pair of floating shelves from Target for $20, an ADORABLE mermaid statue I found at Burlington while I was looking for work clothes, as well as an "A" covered in pineapples. My husband was at the range a couple of weeks ago and he snagged me some local Spanish Moss which I tacked to the back of the shelf. Take one Daiso plumeria I had left over from the candle holder, and you have this majestic shelf that makes me oh-so-happy with its simplicity and light colors.

For the second shelf in the duo, I only had one plan: Tsum-tsums. I have 600+ of these fuckers and they're hidden in a room with the rest of my Disney-madness shame. But The Little Mermaid set was necessary. I have a custom set of Daughters of Triton from Abigail Customs (different Abby), but those are displayed in a case where nothing can hurt them. I might brag about those later.
I found these adorable little succulents at Dollar Tree, plus this really stupid foil palm tree that I liked, add a polaroid photo of me and my dog with washi tape to cover the holes the old renters left (because I'm not paying jack to repaint this crap-tastic house if the owners couldn't be bothered to do it), and you've got a completed work of weird art.  **Edit~ I'm not spamming my Instagram followers anymore, but I did change the washi tape around the picture to gold. The Disney chibis weren't working for me.**

After about 3 days of hot glue, glass lacerations, washi tape, and 50 new holes in my walls, I give you:

I don't think I did too bad for my first area. I like it here. It has all my favorite things and I think it's simple and easy enough to keep clean. Plus I like that my 65" TV is a mere 3 feet to my left so I can inhale all the garbage Netflix I want while I pretend to get work done.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Merbitch on the move

I was supposed to be doing StitchFix reviews and I got lazy. Sue me.

I do have a post on standby with the last box I ever got and it was 0/5, light-on-fire, and pray to whomever you like that it never be spoken of again.

It was that awful, plus I realized I have too many clothes, so I sorta broke up with StitchFix. Not that I didn't like the service, I really did. It just wasn't for me anymore. c:

A little update on my life, if you actually read my blog:

I'm still in Japan for a couple more months. We move back to America in April! BLESSED AMERICA! And I'm hoping to start a little fun project blog. I know everything has been done and everyone is on YouTube or has better ideas than me... I literally don't care. I'm going to kidnap their ideas, shit on them, and make them better! Like a crazy, fucking unicorn. 

So for any lurkers, give me ideas for what you want me to blog about or create. I'm a shitty artist, I can't cook, I hate sewing, and I'd much rather spend all my days sitting on the beach flipping my kick-ass mermaid tail around because #fuckbeingagrownup.

PS... There's this pretty sweet Kickstarter that you should donate to, mainly because it would make me happy.

FinTail Fusions Mermaid Tails

She's this really amazing artist who has opened up another tier of mermaid tails and funding this will ensure yours truly gets to frolic on the beach like an immature child for a few more years.

Let me break down the mermaid monopoly for you:

There are tiers to this system, kind of like real life.

You have the "poor people" of mermaid tails. The cheapo, floppy ones that Amazon sells for $100. They're not special, but they get the job done.
i.e. This one:

Next, there's the "upper middle class" tier. This includes the tails that are silicone on the fin and the sheath (such a dirty ass word) is neoprene and some sort of plastic or silicone seashell decoration. My mer-nerd, Carlie has one of these and that bitch is heavy and it is NOICE. It is also $1200... so you catch where I'm going with this? Do you see the obvious gap between $100 and $1200?? Lemme show you hers, without her permission because I'm a douche~

Look at how sweet as shit this thing is. I can't afford it. Too poor. Carlie is classy.

The last tier is the "Kim Kardashian" level of mermaid tails... meaning no one knows why they're so expensive... they just are. And they're full of silicone.

These are the tails that cost $3000+ and only professionals buy these things. One day, I would like to put "professional mermaid" on my resume and never, ever take it off. Go into a job interview for a big marketing firm and be like, "Yeah, I was a fucking mermaid. I basked in the sun and took pictures with kids and shit. What of it?" ~Will totally get that job.

Look at this fucking thing. You put that on and come at me in the water, ima be like, "Whoa, bitch! Wtf are you?!" I'd probably piss myself thinking mermaids actually existed. That's how good these tails are. And the price tag is totally worth it... If you didn't already waste your money on $7000 worth of Disney Tsum-tsums. #dontjudgemefucker

Back to this kickstarter~ Rae has created a "middle class" tier of sorts for the rest of us plebs who want to feel majestic AF in the water, but still not incite riots in our bank accounts. $400 will get you a silicone fin of your choosing AND (and here's the biggest, best and ever) you get to design your sleeve (sheath... so derty). You get to pick from 3 patterns and then you color that sucker like a paint by number that you get to number! Want a rainbow tail to show the world how full of pride you are?? PAINT THAT BITCH WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE MUTHAFUCKIN WIND!


Go throw a few dollars at her Kickstarter. I'm not being paid to advertise, if that's what you'd call this mess of grammar and awful language that my father will definitely call and yell at me for. Make it worth the lecture, go fork up some of that extra money you were saving for beer. We know you're gross and lonely, at least spare your liver and get a sweet-ass tail. It's the only tail you'll ever get.

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Stitch Fix #4- I bought everything... and then couldn't buy lunch.

Hello. It is I. The one who is always late updating this thing. So I decided since I just got box 5 today, that I should write up the unboxing for both 4 and 5 at once and get it out of the way. Here is 4:

StitchFix Deal (copy+paste):

StitchFix is a monthly subscription service for those of us unable or unwilling to go shopping. You give them $20 and they give you 5 items personally chosen for you based on a style profile. They give you 3 days to try stuff on, take it off, try it on again, cry in a corner, take it off, look at it in various light sources, etc.You keep the items you like and send back the junk you hate. Your $20 goes towards any purchases and if you keep all 5, you get a 25% discount. They send you a prepaid envelope to return the unwanted items and there you go. Super simple. 

The Fix:

I'll start with the first 2 pictures that loaded because re-arranging these stupid things is a bitch.

THML- Colinda Sheer V-Neck Sweater- $58

I really loved this sweater. It's soft, it's flattering (not in the first picture because I've got a lovely chub thing going on). But over-all, I enjoy this sweater. It's great for work and I was blessed with tiny boobs. The biggest complaint I saw about this sweater was if you've got big knockers, they're probably gonna use that sheerness as a window to say HELLO WORLD! Mine don't do that. They're like the short kid trying to reach the top shelf in the library.

41 Hawthorne- Abbie Reversible Skirt- $68
I could have gone without this. It's ok for work and really thick so it won't blow up and away. It's just aight. It was cheaper for me to keep the skirt if I bought all 5 items... so I did. I haven't worn this yet. Maybe when it warms up. 

Skies are Blue- Melle Fringe Detail Pullover Poncho- $68

Seriously though... this poncho is on FLEEEEEEEK.
I requested this sucker. I saw a poncho on Pinterest and begged for it. LOOK AT IT! LOOKIT! It's fantastic. I don't care if I look like I'm going to a hoe-down. You're a hoe-down.
If my colors are off, it's got pink detail and gray. It matches nothing except my awesome personality and those pants (which I will discuss down below).

Kut from the Kloth- Dayna Skinny Jean- $88

I asked for skinny jeans and got skinny jeans. They're skinny jeans. I don't know what more to say. They're soft, I guess. They have a "mom-esque" look to them. They're not low-rise by any means. I like them for work and they're really comfy fat pants. Lord knows we could all use a few pairs of fat pants.  

Honey Punch- Layla Elbow Patch Detail Cardigan- $48

Zoey would be the critter sniffing my butt.
I begged for this on Pinterest. I got a sweater kind of similar before, but in that ass-ugly magenta/navy crossover that they only give to people serving time in Hell.

This is both soft, flowy, and perfect for work. Because I'm lazy and dressing up sucks. I barely brush my hair most mornings. Seriously, who has time? I have to wake up and drive to the building... There's no time for brushing in there.
The total for this last fix was a whopping $330, but with my $20 credit and my buy-5-discount, I paid $227 and some change. Not too shabby for work stuff that I actually use. 

My husband's face when I get a box is always sad, but this time, it was sadder. :C  <--- like this. 

And another C+P:

This brings us to my shameless advertising of my referral link. If you sign-up and request a box, I get a $25 credit towards a purchase. Free clothes!
(ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*・°☆.。.:Wooo! Referral Link!

Til next time...

*5 minutes later*

Thursday, January 28, 2016

StitchFix #3~ Almost doesn't count.

Once again, I'm late posting... Actually, this is the first time I've touched my computer since the last time I wrote on this blog. I'm just a cell phone kind of gal. It's portable and I love giving Softbank the finger when I go over my data limit. I'm also writing this while staring at my *newer*current*just-got-it-yesterday* StitchFix box for January. Whoops.

I took better pictures so you can actually see the clothes as opposed to stupid selfies.

The Shpeal:
StitchFix is a monthly subscription service for those of us unable or unwilling to go shopping. You give them $20 and they give you 5 items personally chosen for you based on a style profile. They give you 3 days to try stuff on, take it off, try it on again, cry in a corner, take it off, look at it in various light sources, etc.You keep the items you like and send back the junk you hate. Your $20 goes towards any purchases and if you keep all 5, you get a 25% discount. They send you a prepaid envelope to return the unwanted items and there you go. Super simple. 

The Fix:
For this fix, I requested specific things. I always update my Pinterest board because I can't convey my clothing needs verbally. "Cute", "not ugly", and "I dunno" were not helping Jennifer (my awesome stylist). I asked for wide leg jeans, a specific olive green jacket I know they carry, a pencil skirt for work, a necklace, and sweaters. They delivered.

My box. I tried to be artistic in my photos... I cannot. First of all, my box doesn't get delivered to my door. It goes to an ugly military post office and then I have to flash my ID to even get the thing from the back storage room. That doesn't make for a beauteous first impression.

Second, my dogs manage to photobomb all of my pictures. Alas, my blog will never look Martha Stewart-esque.

Piece 1- Maris Paddle Necklace

I asked for a statement piece. This makes a statement; however it's not the statement I'd like to make. It immediately reminded me of a tribal necklace that holds the bones of my sworn enemies... Not really the look I'm going for.

Verdict- Returned

Piece 2- Melisa Printed Pencil Skirt

This was my biggest regret. I saw it in the box and hated it. I tried it on and hated it. I put it in the envelope and hated it less. I had my husband drop it at the post office and hated myself. This would have grown on me. It already has. I yearn for the skirt that could have been. It was comfortable, it was cute, it fit, and I just sent it back like it meant nothing to me. Oh woe, myself a heartless bitch.

Verdict- Returned and cried about it

Piece 3- Chaplin Lined Hooded Anorak Jacket

This is a terrible picture so if you want a better one, go to Pinterest and look it up. There are other people with much better photos. This coat is fantastic. I specifically requested this jacket. The lining is like soft silky goodness. The arms and shoulders have ample moving room. It's a nice jacket and it matches all of my wardrobe even if it doesn't. I've worn it everyday. Unfortunately, I went to H&M and found an almost replica the day my box came in and I bought it in tan for less than $20. I came home fully intending to return this one... until I tried it on. My made my "pretty please" face to my husband and it's mine!!!

Verdict- Kept and refuse to take it off

Piece 4- Presley Colorblock Button-Back Sweater

I requested this sweater and as soon as I did, I knew I was going to get a color I hated. I love the gray, hate the red. The back buttons are awesome, the fit was nice and loose, and it was oh-so-soft... like wearing kittens.

Verdict- Returned

 Piece 5- Marson Wide Leg Jean
I asked for wide-leg jeans and they gave me wide-leg jeans. They're comfy and they're wide-leg. Haha, not much to say. My friend thinks they're super mom jeans, but I work in a school. Occasionally, I have to slum it down so they don't fire me when I show up in leggings and a galaxy-print Blackmilk mini dress.

This brings us to my shameless advertising of my referral link. If you sign-up and request a box, I get a $25 credit towards a purchase. Free clothes!
(ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*・°☆.。.:Wooo! Referral Link!

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Very Belated Stitch Fix review #1 & 2

I have been meaning to write this review and post pictures since my first Stitch Fix box in October. I didn't. Sue me, I'm lazy.

*Disclaimer/Reader Beware: I'm not a nice blogger. I swear a lot, I am not PC, I will erupt into rants whenever I feel like it, and I've been called horrible things by the nut jobs on Tumblr, so out of fairness for some readers, this is my warning banner and the only stupid trigger warning you'll get.*

I don't know about the rest of you, but when I look at Stitch Fix reviews, or any product reviews, I get so sick of seeing the "shpeal" at the beginning. Unfortunately, it has to be said in case this is the first review (seriously doubtful) you see of this particular service. Skip ahead to the tiny cupcake pixel if you don't want the boring shite.
  • Stitch Fix is a personal stylist service that allows busy ladies, stay-at-home moms, the fashionably challenged, and adventurous women with extra cash.
  • You pay $20 (non-refundable) to have a box show up at your house at your choosing. Either on a fixed schedule or randomly when you want.
  • You get 5 items (clothing, jewelry, accessories) picked for you by a stylist based on your style profile and Pinterest board and you have 3 days to try everything on and decide if you want to keep it. 
  • If you buy something, that $20 goes towards it. If you keep all 5, you get 25% off the whole order. Then you ship everything back for free in the return bag they send with you.  

My First Fix:
...has no pictures. I deleted them because the entire box sucked the ass of a thousand asses. Ok, that's not entirely true. It was my fault the box was horrible, as well as it being my first box, plus my stylist was on drugs (that's a hypothesis).

I can't even remember everything I got, but my mother LOVED all of it so obviously everything went back. What I do remember was a pair of really comfortable jeans that didn't fit right, a god-help-me hideous plaid shirt that looked like a circus tent and a picnic blanket woke up together on the wrong side of Mardi Gras, and the
Richie Asymmetrical Clutch... which brings us to the one item I did buy and instantly fell in love with. I left a great Pinterest board and a detailed note to my stylist that asked for plaid, skinny jeans, and a super-awesome, giant clutch for going out. What I got was some ill-fitting grandma clothes, and a super-awesome, giant clutch for going out. I love that purse and even took pictures for you:

I filtered the left picture to match the actual color because my camera was being a douche

 My Second Fix: 
...was fantastic. I even took fuzzy, shit-type pictures that are both blurry and poor views of the clothing. Enjoy.

This fix, I asked for shirts that showed off my forearm because I got a really kick ass tattoo of the solar system. I asked for a blazer, vest, fleece-lined leggings, and this elbow-patch sweater I've been seeing around the Stitch Fix blogs. 

What I got was this shirt, Filbert 3/4 Sleeve Popover Blouse, and it fits gloriously. It's super light and sheer so it needs a tank underneath, but it's a classic piece that goes to work or over leggings because it covers my behind. 

This was the blazer I received, Benson 3/4 Ruched Sleeve Blazer. It was my favorite piece this Fix. It's super soft jersey, ruched sleeves, and fits super cute. My only-only-only complaint is there is one button. If there was one more button holding it together, it would be perfect. 

This vest was confusing. It felt soft and nice, but looked gross. It was weird and gross. I don't know what it was trying to be. I asked for a vest, but I wanted a cute layering vest that was kind of loose and would go with a blouse. This wasn't it.

I got the elbow patch sweater I asked for... It just came in this horfendous color combo. I wanted any other color- gray and black, cream and black- anything, but they sent navy and magenta. I hate magenta. It was so comfy. I was incredibly sad. 

These are probably the worst of the lot. I asked for fleece-lined leggings and got leather-stitched leggings. It wasn't their fault. They didn't have any in stock, which is cool. These were really comfy, but I don't like looking like I'm preparing for the Tour-De-France. They really looked like bicycle pants. Just no.

I ended up keeping the blazer and the sheer, black shirt. They've been staple pieces in my wardrobe since I got back to Japan.

This is the blazer and the clutch I wore on my mommy/daughter date to Trans-Siberian Orchestra. I think it looked pretty spiffy.

A little backstory:
My very frugal mother and a few friends have asked why I opted into this and, even after seeing the crazy prices on some items, why I keep requesting boxes. Well, the answer is pretty simple. I'm an average-sized woman living in Japan. My choices for shopping are limited to the stores in Japan that obviously make their clothes for the anorexic Lollypop Guild or the crooks at the MCCS on the Marine Base where I live. They carry shit items and jack up the prices because they know it's all we have. 

I guess I could go online, spend 5 hours clicking through pages, double checking size charts, making sure reviews are good about sizing, building up a basket, making sure return policies are fair or if they even exist, paying $20 in shipping, waiting 3-4 weeks, then hoping I don't eat a cupcake and gain any weight before my package arrives...
That's not even accounting for trying to return shit, which requires a box that's not express flat-rate because f*ck trying to pay for that, customs forms on LITERALLY EVERY PIECE OF PARCEL THAT LEAVES THIS GD COUNTRY, then waiting another 3-4 weeks for it to get there and process...

That would drive anyone to try ANYTHING at least once. So my friend, Kimberly, turned me onto Stitch Fix at dirty old barn up in the hills that serves the best chicken BBQ this side of Hawaii. I was a skeptic because I'm just jaded like that, but she told the truth. The shit can be expensive, I might hate everything in the box, and it will probably take a few tries before it seems "worth it".

My third box was supposed to be here 7 days ago. That's right, a week late. Welcome to Japan at Christmas. If you order anything after Halloween, you'll get it right around President's Day. Luckily for me, military FPO/APO isn't track-able so they give you a little more than 3 days turnaround time to try stuff on and return it. 

Helpful hints: 
Be specific! Tell your stylist what you want. Tell her what you like, what your favorite colors are, how you like your pants and shirts to fit, what you don't like, etc...

Be open to new ideas. I've been very specific the last 2 boxes and from the preview of the third, she gave me everything I asked for, which is nice, but I think I'll make sure my next box is a surprise.  The idea is to expand and let someone else dress you. 

Be prepared to hate everything in the box. Stitch Fix even says on their website they only expect people to like 1 or 2 things. 

Make your Pinterest board with notes to your stylist. I'll link mine as a reference. It's been working wonders so far.  
 ~My Stitch Fix Board

When you make an order, make sure to mention your Pinterest board and anything you've been specifically wanting this round. It's winter, I don't request booty shorts and tanks. 
I'm obliged to throw my referral link out here so I can get some credit ($25) on my boxes. :] Click below to utilize and help a fatty in Japan get some clothes. J/k, do what you want, I'll survive. 

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Triangl Bikini Unbagging

I have been on the market for a new swimsuit since I wore my first pair of shorts in March. Once the shorts come on, the pants come off. *giggidy*

Every year, I have the same, stupid struggle: I am one size on top, a different size on the bottom, and everything looks terrible on me. Luckily, I have spent the last 3 months losing 20 lbs. and attempting to resemble a non-lumpy human being as opposed to an amoebic cell that escaped the bio lab.

I regularly stalk Tumblr and follow a multitude of blogs with different themes, including some rosy blogs (which are pretentious white-girl blogs with too many instagram filters of rich people and their shit). These blogs popped up with a bikini brand that was made of neoprene and was super, freaking awesome.

So here's me, typing in t-r-i-a-n-g-l-e bikini and getting nothing but triangle topped bikinis because I assume the idiots getting educated from Tumblr can't fucking spell their hashtags. Well, dirt on my face when I find out it's actually "Triangl" without the "e" because Aussies are fucking weird. *Stay tuned for Abby-tries-vegemite next week*

I went to the site and started looking around at what was available. Super cute, vibrant bikinis in a couple of different styles with models who look like they haven't heard of eating. Ok... cool... Can I please see what these things look like on regular-sized people? People who eat potatoes, cheese, and gummy bears as staple foods? No? Alrighty, then.

Queue me scouring Google for a few hours trying to find someone, anyone, who is a size above small. Whatever, they're still cute and I want one. I utilized their 'Live Chat' option, which was fantastic and totally helpful. The girl took my measurements and told me what she recommended. Small top for my 34B booblets and an XL bottom for my 39-40 inch ass (depending on how much Burger King I ate last week). I was nervous about the XL because I found a girl on Tumblr (cannot remember her url) and she looked bigger than me, but she got a Large. It was a little tight on her, but I was still worried that maybe I shouldn't have sized up. 

Let me go off on a tiny rant here:
I live in Japan. I am military and have an FPO box through the base. I also live out in town with a regular Japanese address, luckily for me. The website has the FPO/APO option for delivery, HOWEVER they do not ship to PO Boxes. WTF?! How does that make any sort of sense? I used my FPO address because Japanese post deliveries come whenever the fuck they feel like it and I'm never home. So then, I have to go our local FB page and find someone who can call and schedule a re-delivery for me because usually there is no English speaker 
for the delivery company. You see why I just wanted my shit sent to base? Wellafter waiting almost 2 FREAKING WEEKS for my delivery confirmation, I finally emailed them to see if my package got lost or what. 
Them: Oh, we never sent it out. You need to give us a physical address.
Me: You couldn't have emailed telling me that 2 weeks ago? I've been waiting for this package. Also, your website allows FPO/APO shipping as an option... you might want to adjust that so this doesn't happen to anyone else.
Them: It says on the website, no PO Boxes.
Me: *Internal rage* Then take the option off and lose your military customers. 

Whatever, I give them my town address and everything that I told you would happen, did happen. I had to wait 24 hours to find someone who could translate and reschedule delivery, then I spent the entire day at home eating 3lbs of Swedish Fish, watching Grav3yardgirl for 14 hours, and waiting all day for the delivery guy to show up. On the plus side, after we fixed the address issue, it only took 4 days to get here.

When it finally got here, I was so excited. I was also kind of bummed that I didn't get the pretty black box, but I got the equally cool neoprene bag. So my order was:

Winnie- Miami Mint
Top- Size S
Bottom- Size XL

This is what the package looked like. I got my return card and a care card, plus the bag. Both pieces were wrapped individually and pretty much flat. There was one crease on the bandeau down the front of the boob from being folded in half, but it's hardly noticeable when on so no stress. The colors are super pretty and it feels really cool. It is not, AT ALL, cool to wear. I tried it on and pranced around for about 5 minutes and was sweating bullets. I would wear this in the arctic and probably survive for at least an hour. (I'm kidding, please don't try that shit IRL, I will not take any blame.

So onto the wear and feel. I'll be honest... This post has already run-on to day 3 and I actually wore it to the pool today (more on that later), but when I first tried it on, it felt glorious. The bottoms fit and even had stretch... like 3 inches of stretch... like I was told over and over there was no stretch room... but it fucking stretches... so don't listen to those bitches who tell you it doesn't because it fucking does. The top was tiny bit too small for me.

My normal measurements for reference:
chest- 34 inches
waist at smallest point- 30 inches
hips around widest part of ass- 39 inches

I wear a US 7-9 depending on the store and can usually squeeze into a US medium in most non-numbered sizes of things.
So I was kind of surprised when I tried the top on that it felt way too tight. I was having trouble pulling air in after chasing my idiot dogs around the top floor after about 2 minutes. It's just seriously tight. Should have gone with a medium. The bottoms felt great. They didn't feel too loose or too big.

Apologies for the tag, I tucked it after I realized it was still on and my countdown was going. Haha.

Anyhoo, the 
bottoms are actually a horrible lie. They tricked me and I am disgruntled with them. 

Today, I went to the pool to try them out after my run with my friendy-poo, Donna. Pulled them on, got into the cold-as-7th-circle-of-hell pool and immediately regretted buying this swimsuit. Remember that stretch I mentioned earlier? Yeah, it did that. The extra 3 inches of space filled with water and abruptly stopped trying to stay on. As this was all going down, my brain caught up to what was happening and I realized that I voided any chance of returning it the second it touched the chlorine. Eff.

"Ok," thought I, "Maybe it's not so bad and it'll stay on if I do a dive off this board?" Dumbest thought I ever had and I'll blame it on the sun. That strapless top is not meant for any sort of diving, which I kind of knew, but was hoping since it was so tight, it would make a solid college attempt at staying in place. Nope. As for the bottoms, they too decided to take a trip south of their intended resting place on my hips. There were no children nearby, bless small miracles because I didn't need a ban from the pool for indecent exposure. No one needs to see that much pale booty blinding them. Needless to say, friend Donna will be keeping the bottoms and I'll just wear last year's black VS ruffle bottoms.

On a brighter note, I knew I wanted more than one neoprene swimsuit and that I was NOT going to fork over another $90 for a Triangl, so I've been scoping out the dupes on Aliexpress.com. They're much cheaper and everyone seems to agree they're the same shit and quality of the Triangle, only about 25% of the price.

This was my Triangl experience. All-in-all, not the best. I could have handled things differently, but so could they. The biggest request I would make: Put some models on that stupid lookbook that aren't a size 0. I spent 2 days prior to buying just doing actual research to figure out what that shit would look like on me. I'm not even that big of a girl! Like, why can't I find people in my size wearing this swimsuit so I know what size to get and how it'll look?? Of course they look good on a skeleton. A potato sack would look good on a skeleton. So in my non-expert opinion, go buy a duplicate. Don't waste the money unless you have it and/or you need a neoprene swimsuit within the week because those bitches ship it fast. I think the dupes take upwards of almost a month if I read the descriptions correctly.

I hope this ranty, swear-filled blurb helps someone who might be looking for one of these suits. I'm always open for comments, complaints, and criticism.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

The couponing was cute... now you're just PISSING ME OFF!

Alright, we've all seen or heard about the TLC show, "Extreme Couponing". At first, I thought it was an amazing idea. People buy $1,000 or more in groceries and walk out paying less than $50 in most cases. Seems like a great idea, right? Here is the premise behind most of the extreme couponers:
They have come from sad/poor/lonely/broken backgrounds and because of their tight budgets and family of 35 1/2 to feed, they spend the equivalent of a full-time job cutting, printing, clipping, dumpster-diving, stealing, and begging for coupons.

Here are the listed reasons why this started out being a great idea to me... and later-on, i will explain why i want to run these people over with a concrete truck.

There are tons of great reasons to save on your grocery bill using coupons. The main one being to save money when you're just not making enough to cover your weekly/monthly grocery bill. I get it... toilet paper is $2.50 for a 4 pack with a $1.00 coupon that doubles at the register for a total of .50 cents per 4 pack. Great deal! Go you for hitting that one.

Moving on! Couponing gives stay-at-moms a job to do. I know some moms have a group of little ones and they don't need the extra job, but those mothers (or dads) that have older kids who can keep themselves busy, usually have some free time to clip coupons to help out at home. Good for you. You're being productive.

Couponing can also "stick it to the man". We all get pissed for having to pay $6.00 for a gallon of milk. If you're not from Hawaii, consider yourself lucky. I pay $8.00. It feels good to give the proverbial "middle finger" to food manufacturers who think charging $7.00 for a pack of cheese is a fun time.

But that is where the good in couponing reaches it's limit. There are more hazards to your health than not when you cross that line from decent couponing to extreme couponing. Mainly, my wrath.

Let me explain my aversion to these extremists of the coupon clippers:
Yesterday (May 20, 2011), I went to my local Safeway grocery store in search of some garlic and herb Brie cheese and a box of Wheat Thins. I wasn't asking for much, just a light snack before bedtime. I found the cheese in my refrigerated section and made my way to the 2nd aisle that houses the cookies, crackers, and other crispy treats. I find myself staring at Keebler, Tollhouse, and Graham crackers, as well as a giant gaping black hole of empty shelf space. I stare confused for a few minutes and walk the aisle once, twice, thrice! and still, i do not see them. I then make my way to customer service to inquire as to the location of the Wheat Thins. The lady follows me to the shelf when i ask about the missing crackers. As we draw close, she stops and exclaims, "Oh! I'm so sorry hun, a lady came in and cleaned out half the store with her coupons earlier today." I calmly thank her for her help, put my cheese back, walk to my car, put my windows up, and scream obscenities that would make the devil's toenails curl. I am in the middle of a PMS- meltdown that only Brie and Wheat Thins will cure and i have been DENIED!

I began an internet search on "Extreme Couponing", the show, just to get tips, ideas, and coupon locations in an attempt to be a light couponer since i am the only one living at my house right now. I found great ideas, great sites, and wonderful forums for the beginner couponer. After yesterday, however, i changed my search criteria to include the words: "bad", "annoying", and "hoarder". I found more information on how annoying these extreme couponers are than i did on how wonderful it is to save $400 on 200 containers of laundry soap.

Let me give you another example of why i think these crazy, newspaper-cutters are rude as a pack of deranged, plague rats that is taken directly from the TV show:

This very large woman and her just-as-large husband were shopping for a party. One of the items was not related to the party, but she wanted it because it was "free" after her coupons. She took every. single. one of them. When her husband asked her ,"What if someone else wants one?", she replied, "Oh well, the early bird gets the worm." Are you freaking kidding me?!?!
1. Your giant butt does not need 50 bottles of anything!
2. Way to be a b*tch on national television.
3. You have just taken my last straw of patience with the extreme couponers of America.

Let's focus on this, now. You just bought 100 tubes of toothpaste because they retail for $3.00 a tube. With your frequent shoppers card, they're on sale for $1.99. You have a coupon for $1.00 that your store will double at the register, meaning that you have just paid -.01. Which means you have just been "paid" to take that toothpaste out of the store. Why can't you grab 10 tubes? Hell, grab 20, but for the love of every woman named Nancy, LEAVE SOME FOR THE REST OF US! I cannot take my Lord's name in vain on blogspot, but you bet your sweet tushie, someone else, somewhere else is cussing some deity out over your selfish and unnecessary act of douche-baggery. And the sad part about this? The nutjobs who clean the shelves laugh about it! They're standing there making jokes at our expense because we didn't "beat them" to the savings. They're lucky i wasn't there while they were doing it! I would beat them... just not with savings. By all means, if you're at a shoe sale and there's only one pair of Steve Maddens left in that size, throw a brick in a pillow case and start swinging, but if it's the last 300 bottles of Mellow Yellow, LEAVE SOME!

Reason number two, i want to make them a permanent decoration in the sidewalk:
Do not, I REPEAT, do not claim that it was by the grace of the Lord God and Jesus Christ that led you to be a borderline hoarder and inconsiderate jerk-ass at the grocery store. Anti-Christians already have enough ammo against us without you adding to the idea that we're all out of our minds. I'm sure Harold Camping did enough damage this week, you don't need to help him. Jesus did not tell you to quit your job and spend 80 hours a week clipping coupons. And if he did, you should spend your savings getting those voices in your head checked out. Jesus did say that anything in excess is bad. The word "extreme" should never be an adjective applied to you unless you're extremely awesome. Like me. And onward we go...

So you've got 16 carts stuffed to the brim with hundreds of items that other people will not be able to buy. What now? You're going to clog up some poor girl's register for 3 hours (more than likely 15 minutes before her quitting time). Let's discuss the store's limits that will make this transaction that much harder. Most stores have a coupon limit of 250 coupons per transaction. So you now have to break your insane load into 14 different groups.
Your transaction begins: The cost goes up and you stand there with your heart beating talking about how much you're going to save and how wonderful your life is because you spend all this time couponing. The cashier is rolling her eyes and wishing a piano to fall on your head.
Halfway through the transaction: The cashier's arm is losing feeling and there is zero space to move stuff out of the way because half of the store's inventory is on her belt. Out of nowhere comes the dreaded *Bee--- silence*. Congratulations, jerk. You just froze the register. Almost all stores have a cap on the number of lines allotted per transaction. You have reached the 1,500 line maximum and now the supervisor has to go into the system and manually re-enter the line to allow your 23,000 line grocery list + coupons.
Nearing the end: The cashier sees the light at the end of the tunnel until the couponer says those dreaded words, "Wait... That coupon isn't scanning correctly." At this point, the poor soul who got in line behind you wants to break your face open with a can of Campbell's and the cashier wants to cry. After the head cashier, the store manager, and the district manager have all been called in to fix this 45 minute and $.25 mistake, the transaction finally ends.
The End: 13 Stock boys have to carry your crap out to your car while you roll up what used to be 7 baby trees of receipts and the cashier's arm finally falls off when she goes to wake up the guy behind you who has decided to nap in his cart while you robbed the manufacturers blind. Do you feel good about yourself?! DO YOU!?

On the show, we get a sneak peak at the couponer's house to see their "stockpile". When i say "stockpile", i literally mean a pile of stock that could last a family of eight 20-years during a nuclear holocaust. Some people are responsible about their stockpiles. It's stored in the basement, garage, or an empty bedroom. Then there are the people who have no space AT ALL, ANYWHERE and they continue to buy in excess.

A stay-at-home mom who coupons for her family of 5. Her spare shower is filled to the ceiling with toilet paper. Her personal walk-in closet is 20% clothes and 80% cereal. I don't have a problem with you sacrificing your personal space for your crazy habit, but when your psychotic shopping problem intrudes on your child's space and they don't know any better to complain, i have an issue. Her little girl had an adorable room with a princess bed, and underneath in the little storage section?... You guessed it! Barbeque sauce and Ketchup. In her closet, more crap that should not be in a little girl's room.
Another woman put a storage shelf in her bedroom. Yeah, that's romantic.
"Hey baby, move that stack of pasta out of the way and we'll get to some real lovin'."
"Do you have a coupon for that?" Ugh... it's sick

Ok, so they've now got all the junk and have, by the miracle of physics, found somewhere to stuff it that's not up their butt. What in the holy mother are they going to do with it?! REALLY?!? 400 boxes of cereal and 65 lbs. of meat. Please tell me how they're going to make all of that go away before the expiration date. I would love to see it happen. They have just taken all of the Wheat Thins off the shelf effectively ruining my night and now they're going to sit in someone's closet until the date goes bad and they throw it out. No donating, no sharing with me, they're just going to throw it out. EFF YOU!

There has not been one person on that show... Not one!... who has not said they do it for "The Rush". What is this "Rush"? If it's the kind of rush that crackheads get, i'd say you have a small problem. You know, there was recently a show on TLC this week called, "Addictions". On this show was a man who had what was diagnosed as a shopping addiction. He got a "Rush" from spending money on things. He had to see a therapist and take pills for it. The same thing was done for the woman addicted to sex. I'd say by all definitions of the word "Rush", you have a diagnosable problem that requires therapy and medication. Why is this being glorified and not addressed?

By now, you either partially agree with me or you're ready to find my house and burn it to the ground with me trapped inside.
If you're an extreme couponer, your argument is probably something along the lines of:
"Aside from beating you to the Wheat Thins, i'm not hurting you."
"It's none of your business! I can do what i want as long as it's good for my family."
"I think you smell bad and you're a poopface!"

The third comment aside, let's discuss the first. Couponers are hurting the rest of us. And they're doing it without even caring. Stores now have "policies" regarding coupon usage. Some places don't double coupons because they were being taken advantage of and most (if not all) stores have a limit on the number of items on which you can use a coupon. This means that because of these extremists, if i decide to throw a family gathering and I need 10 bags of chips, there is a good possibility that i will not be able to utilize 10 coupons to get them discounted. One too many couponers have done it and angered the manufacturers enough to cause a cap. That hurts me. Deep. This is just an example. It's actually much bigger and hurtful than my chips.

And what about your missing newspaper? Ever stop to think one of these coupon-zombies is creeping up on your Sunday paper at the ass-crack of dawn to steal your inserts and ads? I'm not accusing, I'm just throwing it out there. Take it as you will.

Onto the second comment. Yes, we already discussed your piggish ways of clearing off the shelves, but really? How can i not come back and revisit it. It's just fricken rude! I know toddlers with temper tantrums that aren't that rude. WWJD?

I cannot end this blog without mentioning my favorite couponer. He's been on the show 2 or 3 times. He goes by the nickname of Mr. Coupon. His most memorable quote was, "I'm not your grandma that clips coupons. She clips one, I clip twenty." and "Instead of a hunter hunting deer, I'm hunting deodorant." O_o
This guy has a separate room he built onto his already obscene stockpile that holds a table stacked 4-feet wide with over 1,000 tubes of "free" toothpaste. What makes this guy a bit different from all the other nutjobs on the show is that, aside from his stockpile for his family, he donates a massive chunk of his shopping to care packages for troops. I might be biased in my opinion, but hey, i know those guys stink and get hungry. He's helping.

We have reached the end. I hope you got some enjoyment out of my rant. It was rather long, but thank you for sticking to it. If you made it to the end and are so angry with me that you want to kill my first-born via paper cuts from your coupons, then maybe you're the person about whom this page was written.
Quit being a douche. Save a few boxes of Wheat Thins for the rest of us!