Thursday, June 4, 2015

Triangl Bikini Unbagging

I have been on the market for a new swimsuit since I wore my first pair of shorts in March. Once the shorts come on, the pants come off. *giggidy*

Every year, I have the same, stupid struggle: I am one size on top, a different size on the bottom, and everything looks terrible on me. Luckily, I have spent the last 3 months losing 20 lbs. and attempting to resemble a non-lumpy human being as opposed to an amoebic cell that escaped the bio lab.

I regularly stalk Tumblr and follow a multitude of blogs with different themes, including some rosy blogs (which are pretentious white-girl blogs with too many instagram filters of rich people and their shit). These blogs popped up with a bikini brand that was made of neoprene and was super, freaking awesome.

So here's me, typing in t-r-i-a-n-g-l-e bikini and getting nothing but triangle topped bikinis because I assume the idiots getting educated from Tumblr can't fucking spell their hashtags. Well, dirt on my face when I find out it's actually "Triangl" without the "e" because Aussies are fucking weird. *Stay tuned for Abby-tries-vegemite next week*

I went to the site and started looking around at what was available. Super cute, vibrant bikinis in a couple of different styles with models who look like they haven't heard of eating. Ok... cool... Can I please see what these things look like on regular-sized people? People who eat potatoes, cheese, and gummy bears as staple foods? No? Alrighty, then.

Queue me scouring Google for a few hours trying to find someone, anyone, who is a size above small. Whatever, they're still cute and I want one. I utilized their 'Live Chat' option, which was fantastic and totally helpful. The girl took my measurements and told me what she recommended. Small top for my 34B booblets and an XL bottom for my 39-40 inch ass (depending on how much Burger King I ate last week). I was nervous about the XL because I found a girl on Tumblr (cannot remember her url) and she looked bigger than me, but she got a Large. It was a little tight on her, but I was still worried that maybe I shouldn't have sized up. 

Let me go off on a tiny rant here:
I live in Japan. I am military and have an FPO box through the base. I also live out in town with a regular Japanese address, luckily for me. The website has the FPO/APO option for delivery, HOWEVER they do not ship to PO Boxes. WTF?! How does that make any sort of sense? I used my FPO address because Japanese post deliveries come whenever the fuck they feel like it and I'm never home. So then, I have to go our local FB page and find someone who can call and schedule a re-delivery for me because usually there is no English speaker 
for the delivery company. You see why I just wanted my shit sent to base? Wellafter waiting almost 2 FREAKING WEEKS for my delivery confirmation, I finally emailed them to see if my package got lost or what. 
Them: Oh, we never sent it out. You need to give us a physical address.
Me: You couldn't have emailed telling me that 2 weeks ago? I've been waiting for this package. Also, your website allows FPO/APO shipping as an option... you might want to adjust that so this doesn't happen to anyone else.
Them: It says on the website, no PO Boxes.
Me: *Internal rage* Then take the option off and lose your military customers. 

Whatever, I give them my town address and everything that I told you would happen, did happen. I had to wait 24 hours to find someone who could translate and reschedule delivery, then I spent the entire day at home eating 3lbs of Swedish Fish, watching Grav3yardgirl for 14 hours, and waiting all day for the delivery guy to show up. On the plus side, after we fixed the address issue, it only took 4 days to get here.

When it finally got here, I was so excited. I was also kind of bummed that I didn't get the pretty black box, but I got the equally cool neoprene bag. So my order was:

Winnie- Miami Mint
Top- Size S
Bottom- Size XL

This is what the package looked like. I got my return card and a care card, plus the bag. Both pieces were wrapped individually and pretty much flat. There was one crease on the bandeau down the front of the boob from being folded in half, but it's hardly noticeable when on so no stress. The colors are super pretty and it feels really cool. It is not, AT ALL, cool to wear. I tried it on and pranced around for about 5 minutes and was sweating bullets. I would wear this in the arctic and probably survive for at least an hour. (I'm kidding, please don't try that shit IRL, I will not take any blame.

So onto the wear and feel. I'll be honest... This post has already run-on to day 3 and I actually wore it to the pool today (more on that later), but when I first tried it on, it felt glorious. The bottoms fit and even had stretch... like 3 inches of stretch... like I was told over and over there was no stretch room... but it fucking stretches... so don't listen to those bitches who tell you it doesn't because it fucking does. The top was tiny bit too small for me.

My normal measurements for reference:
chest- 34 inches
waist at smallest point- 30 inches
hips around widest part of ass- 39 inches

I wear a US 7-9 depending on the store and can usually squeeze into a US medium in most non-numbered sizes of things.
So I was kind of surprised when I tried the top on that it felt way too tight. I was having trouble pulling air in after chasing my idiot dogs around the top floor after about 2 minutes. It's just seriously tight. Should have gone with a medium. The bottoms felt great. They didn't feel too loose or too big.

Apologies for the tag, I tucked it after I realized it was still on and my countdown was going. Haha.

Anyhoo, the 
bottoms are actually a horrible lie. They tricked me and I am disgruntled with them. 

Today, I went to the pool to try them out after my run with my friendy-poo, Donna. Pulled them on, got into the cold-as-7th-circle-of-hell pool and immediately regretted buying this swimsuit. Remember that stretch I mentioned earlier? Yeah, it did that. The extra 3 inches of space filled with water and abruptly stopped trying to stay on. As this was all going down, my brain caught up to what was happening and I realized that I voided any chance of returning it the second it touched the chlorine. Eff.

"Ok," thought I, "Maybe it's not so bad and it'll stay on if I do a dive off this board?" Dumbest thought I ever had and I'll blame it on the sun. That strapless top is not meant for any sort of diving, which I kind of knew, but was hoping since it was so tight, it would make a solid college attempt at staying in place. Nope. As for the bottoms, they too decided to take a trip south of their intended resting place on my hips. There were no children nearby, bless small miracles because I didn't need a ban from the pool for indecent exposure. No one needs to see that much pale booty blinding them. Needless to say, friend Donna will be keeping the bottoms and I'll just wear last year's black VS ruffle bottoms.

On a brighter note, I knew I wanted more than one neoprene swimsuit and that I was NOT going to fork over another $90 for a Triangl, so I've been scoping out the dupes on They're much cheaper and everyone seems to agree they're the same shit and quality of the Triangle, only about 25% of the price.

This was my Triangl experience. All-in-all, not the best. I could have handled things differently, but so could they. The biggest request I would make: Put some models on that stupid lookbook that aren't a size 0. I spent 2 days prior to buying just doing actual research to figure out what that shit would look like on me. I'm not even that big of a girl! Like, why can't I find people in my size wearing this swimsuit so I know what size to get and how it'll look?? Of course they look good on a skeleton. A potato sack would look good on a skeleton. So in my non-expert opinion, go buy a duplicate. Don't waste the money unless you have it and/or you need a neoprene swimsuit within the week because those bitches ship it fast. I think the dupes take upwards of almost a month if I read the descriptions correctly.

I hope this ranty, swear-filled blurb helps someone who might be looking for one of these suits. I'm always open for comments, complaints, and criticism.

No comments: