Tuesday, July 4, 2017

DIY... more like Don't-IY


I am not a crafty person.
Yes, I have hundreds of dollars of scrapbooking paper, stickers, cutouts, punchers, glue, tape, scissors, and containers of misc crap. I can't actually stop myself from buying the junk, but I never do anything with it.

Well, that changed yesterday. I made a thing. A single thing. In the 17+ years I've been collecting the majority of Hobby Lobby's inventory, I have finally created a thing.



It's a candle holder for tealights. One $1 glass vase from Dollar Tree, some Daiso plumeria flowers from Japan, twine from anywhere, sea glass from Target, and white sand filler/seashells, also from Dollar Tree. I really had zero plans when starting this except I wanted a cool desk decoration for my new "beachy" area.















 I spend a bunch of time at my computer doing very important adult things... like Neopets, and a Harry Potter role-playing website. So without further weirdness, here's the portions of my desk that I have put together/DIY'd (sort of) for your viewing pleasure. #aesthetics

To start, I wanted a mermaid-esque feel for my desk. I have an unhealthy obsession with mermaids and should surgery for gills ever become an option: you'll never see me again.




I grabbed a pair of floating shelves from Target for $20, an ADORABLE mermaid statue I found at Burlington while I was looking for work clothes, as well as an "A" covered in pineapples. My husband was at the range a couple of weeks ago and he snagged me some local Spanish Moss which I tacked to the back of the shelf. Take one Daiso plumeria I had left over from the candle holder, and you have this majestic shelf that makes me oh-so-happy with its simplicity and light colors.














For the second shelf in the duo, I only had one plan: Tsum-tsums. I have 600+ of these fuckers and they're hidden in a room with the rest of my Disney-madness shame. But The Little Mermaid set was necessary. I have a custom set of Daughters of Triton from Abigail Customs (different Abby), but those are displayed in a case where nothing can hurt them. I might brag about those later.
I found these adorable little succulents at Dollar Tree, plus this really stupid foil palm tree that I liked, add a polaroid photo of me and my dog with washi tape to cover the holes the old renters left (because I'm not paying jack to repaint this crap-tastic house if the owners couldn't be bothered to do it), and you've got a completed work of weird art.  **Edit~ I'm not spamming my Instagram followers anymore, but I did change the washi tape around the picture to gold. The Disney chibis weren't working for me.**


After about 3 days of hot glue, glass lacerations, washi tape, and 50 new holes in my walls, I give you:



I don't think I did too bad for my first area. I like it here. It has all my favorite things and I think it's simple and easy enough to keep clean. Plus I like that my 65" TV is a mere 3 feet to my left so I can inhale all the garbage Netflix I want while I pretend to get work done.





Thursday, February 23, 2017

Merbitch on the move

I was supposed to be doing StitchFix reviews and I got lazy. Sue me.

I do have a post on standby with the last box I ever got and it was 0/5, light-on-fire, and pray to whomever you like that it never be spoken of again.

It was that awful, plus I realized I have too many clothes, so I sorta broke up with StitchFix. Not that I didn't like the service, I really did. It just wasn't for me anymore. c:

A little update on my life, if you actually read my blog:

I'm still in Japan for a couple more months. We move back to America in April! BLESSED AMERICA! And I'm hoping to start a little fun project blog. I know everything has been done and everyone is on YouTube or has better ideas than me... I literally don't care. I'm going to kidnap their ideas, shit on them, and make them better! Like a crazy, fucking unicorn. 



So for any lurkers, give me ideas for what you want me to blog about or create. I'm a shitty artist, I can't cook, I hate sewing, and I'd much rather spend all my days sitting on the beach flipping my kick-ass mermaid tail around because #fuckbeingagrownup.

PS... There's this pretty sweet Kickstarter that you should donate to, mainly because it would make me happy.

FinTail Fusions Mermaid Tails

She's this really amazing artist who has opened up another tier of mermaid tails and funding this will ensure yours truly gets to frolic on the beach like an immature child for a few more years.

Let me break down the mermaid monopoly for you:

There are tiers to this system, kind of like real life.

You have the "poor people" of mermaid tails. The cheapo, floppy ones that Amazon sells for $100. They're not special, but they get the job done.
i.e. This one:



Next, there's the "upper middle class" tier. This includes the tails that are silicone on the fin and the sheath (such a dirty ass word) is neoprene and some sort of plastic or silicone seashell decoration. My mer-nerd, Carlie has one of these and that bitch is heavy and it is NOICE. It is also $1200... so you catch where I'm going with this? Do you see the obvious gap between $100 and $1200?? Lemme show you hers, without her permission because I'm a douche~

Look at how sweet as shit this thing is. I can't afford it. Too poor. Carlie is classy.






The last tier is the "Kim Kardashian" level of mermaid tails... meaning no one knows why they're so expensive... they just are. And they're full of silicone.

These are the tails that cost $3000+ and only professionals buy these things. One day, I would like to put "professional mermaid" on my resume and never, ever take it off. Go into a job interview for a big marketing firm and be like, "Yeah, I was a fucking mermaid. I basked in the sun and took pictures with kids and shit. What of it?" ~Will totally get that job.


Look at this fucking thing. You put that on and come at me in the water, ima be like, "Whoa, bitch! Wtf are you?!" I'd probably piss myself thinking mermaids actually existed. That's how good these tails are. And the price tag is totally worth it... If you didn't already waste your money on $7000 worth of Disney Tsum-tsums. #dontjudgemefucker

Back to this kickstarter~ Rae has created a "middle class" tier of sorts for the rest of us plebs who want to feel majestic AF in the water, but still not incite riots in our bank accounts. $400 will get you a silicone fin of your choosing AND (and here's the biggest, best and ever) you get to design your sleeve (sheath... so derty). You get to pick from 3 patterns and then you color that sucker like a paint by number that you get to number! Want a rainbow tail to show the world how full of pride you are?? PAINT THAT BITCH WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE MUTHAFUCKIN WIND!

Want one as black as my soul?? GUESS WHAT COLOR I'M GETTING MINE?? BLACK HOLE WITH A SIDE OF SATAN'S PUPILS!

Go throw a few dollars at her Kickstarter. I'm not being paid to advertise, if that's what you'd call this mess of grammar and awful language that my father will definitely call and yell at me for. Make it worth the lecture, go fork up some of that extra money you were saving for beer. We know you're gross and lonely, at least spare your liver and get a sweet-ass tail. It's the only tail you'll ever get.