Thursday, February 23, 2017

Merbitch on the move

I was supposed to be doing StitchFix reviews and I got lazy. Sue me.

I do have a post on standby with the last box I ever got and it was 0/5, light-on-fire, and pray to whomever you like that it never be spoken of again.

It was that awful, plus I realized I have too many clothes, so I sorta broke up with StitchFix. Not that I didn't like the service, I really did. It just wasn't for me anymore. c:

A little update on my life, if you actually read my blog:

I'm still in Japan for a couple more months. We move back to America in April! BLESSED AMERICA! And I'm hoping to start a little fun project blog. I know everything has been done and everyone is on YouTube or has better ideas than me... I literally don't care. I'm going to kidnap their ideas, shit on them, and make them better! Like a crazy, fucking unicorn. 

So for any lurkers, give me ideas for what you want me to blog about or create. I'm a shitty artist, I can't cook, I hate sewing, and I'd much rather spend all my days sitting on the beach flipping my kick-ass mermaid tail around because #fuckbeingagrownup.

PS... There's this pretty sweet Kickstarter that you should donate to, mainly because it would make me happy.

FinTail Fusions Mermaid Tails

She's this really amazing artist who has opened up another tier of mermaid tails and funding this will ensure yours truly gets to frolic on the beach like an immature child for a few more years.

Let me break down the mermaid monopoly for you:

There are tiers to this system, kind of like real life.

You have the "poor people" of mermaid tails. The cheapo, floppy ones that Amazon sells for $100. They're not special, but they get the job done.
i.e. This one:

Next, there's the "upper middle class" tier. This includes the tails that are silicone on the fin and the sheath (such a dirty ass word) is neoprene and some sort of plastic or silicone seashell decoration. My mer-nerd, Carlie has one of these and that bitch is heavy and it is NOICE. It is also $1200... so you catch where I'm going with this? Do you see the obvious gap between $100 and $1200?? Lemme show you hers, without her permission because I'm a douche~

Look at how sweet as shit this thing is. I can't afford it. Too poor. Carlie is classy.

The last tier is the "Kim Kardashian" level of mermaid tails... meaning no one knows why they're so expensive... they just are. And they're full of silicone.

These are the tails that cost $3000+ and only professionals buy these things. One day, I would like to put "professional mermaid" on my resume and never, ever take it off. Go into a job interview for a big marketing firm and be like, "Yeah, I was a fucking mermaid. I basked in the sun and took pictures with kids and shit. What of it?" ~Will totally get that job.

Look at this fucking thing. You put that on and come at me in the water, ima be like, "Whoa, bitch! Wtf are you?!" I'd probably piss myself thinking mermaids actually existed. That's how good these tails are. And the price tag is totally worth it... If you didn't already waste your money on $7000 worth of Disney Tsum-tsums. #dontjudgemefucker

Back to this kickstarter~ Rae has created a "middle class" tier of sorts for the rest of us plebs who want to feel majestic AF in the water, but still not incite riots in our bank accounts. $400 will get you a silicone fin of your choosing AND (and here's the biggest, best and ever) you get to design your sleeve (sheath... so derty). You get to pick from 3 patterns and then you color that sucker like a paint by number that you get to number! Want a rainbow tail to show the world how full of pride you are?? PAINT THAT BITCH WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE MUTHAFUCKIN WIND!


Go throw a few dollars at her Kickstarter. I'm not being paid to advertise, if that's what you'd call this mess of grammar and awful language that my father will definitely call and yell at me for. Make it worth the lecture, go fork up some of that extra money you were saving for beer. We know you're gross and lonely, at least spare your liver and get a sweet-ass tail. It's the only tail you'll ever get.

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